Shedding light on the darkness within

I recently found myself watching Spiderman 3. Although there were some almost unbearable moments of cheese-o-rific nature, there was one thing that I took from that movie. One of the villains in the movie is a mutant substance/parasite which basically consumes the host and intensifies their negative emotion. It a black entity and it literally consumes the person physical. Initially it is a welcomed improvement to individual and they have a choice to have it on them or take it off, but eventually the power of it becomes too strong and wants to permanently attach the to host. The person loses touch with what is really them and what is the substance and they are eventually ruined.

I related to this concept as dark and bizzare as it may seem. It wasn't until later during that sleepless night that I realized why I related and what spoke to me. There have been some lows the past couple years. I have shared some of my feelings and emotions in other blogs about those experiences. The feeling of always getting the short end of the stick. With every situation that I perceive as a failure, I found a part of me lost. I have been chewing on the root of bitterness and expecting something to change or someone else to feel my pain. I'd always heard that saying that "Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." at the end of the day I was the only one suffering. The dark substance that helped me sort things out at the beginning of all of it that seemingly gave me strength to get through, that felt like a non failing friend had taken over somewhere along the way and was turning me into someone that I didn't recognize. Something that I didn't want to be. The more I searched, the more confused I became.

I see now that worrying or being mad at a situation does not give me any sort of control. It is and will always be what it is. Letting it all go opened up myself. I felt free and myself for the first time in years. So I will not give up on my dream and I know that making it this far with so many heartbreaking obstacles is not by chance. I can choose to make my own destiny. I will not let fear dictate my fate. I will no longer allow the darkness of fear and uncertainty transform me into someone else. I have all the skills I need inside to fine tune my physical ability. It is time to work and rediscover my passion free from anger, resentment, and a stagnant fear that had been covering my light with black. I have rediscovered my control center and the world is a much more hopeful place!

So my advice to  you is don't let your darkness keep you down and keep you away from your true self!

Refuse to be limited!
Abby

Misunderstood out of control

I've been under a misunderstanding. I thought that one day if I put enough hard work into training and if I was determined enough.. I would one day I would back to where I used to be. The problem I see with that idea is that I never will back to where I once was because I never can be. That does not come from some dopey depressed perspective. I am not who I was and never will be again. I am constantly evolving, as we all are. I have been through many things some good and some incredibly painful. I have been failing to take that into account in the equations for equality in my head . I have continued to try to beat myself back into the outline of who I once was rather than embracing and accept all the new and intricate things I now bring to the proverbial table.

You see I had struggled and struggled  and struggled with the idea that I had lost the drive I once had. I always felt my drive and determination were my biggest assets and the fundamental core strength in all that I trained for. I thought it had been cracked at the trials and had been leaking out ever since. I thought somewhere between here and then I had lost it. I could not see what was so glaringly obvious. I had never lost my drive. I had only lost control of it. It turned into over drive when I physically lost control to my goal. I literally drove myself out of control. I pushed the  line so hard that I pushed passed it. I had fought so hard to continue to get back to success that I spiraled out of control and just as I've seen on the space movies when the little astronaut man loses contact with the space ship, I was floating out into an abyss.

It wasn't until recently that I realize how far I had gone. I know I am in a much better place because now I can look back and see where I was and where I am now. I take all of it as a success. I successfully have gotten back on my feet. I have gotten back to a confidence I have not had in almost 3 years. As difficult as the path was, I regret nothing and I am simple more hungry for competition like never before. I have been roughed up and now I realized I am capable of much more so I fully welcome this 2011 season as a rebirth and a much needed revolution of self!

Happy training

wanting the need

I was asked an interesting question last week. "How did you know that you were capable of even trying to make the Olympic level when you weren't throwing well, what made you continue?" I had never really thought about it. I never really thought about what kept me going when most people and many people have given up from the places I've been. I was surprised that the words just shot out of my mouth. You see, I have had the dream of being an Olympian since the age of 5. I remember watching the opening ceremonies at home and laying in front of the TV enamored as I watched the gymnastics competition. I could feel my heart soar and I felt so alive during the time the Olympic would be covered on TV.  There never seemed to be an option in my heart, being there was what I needed to do. Originally I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast... laughing aside, it really was my dream. I had to change my plans of how to get the the big show, but the dream always remained that I NEEDED to get there. Since that young age, I have always felt a deep burning desire in my soul to be at the games. It was not a question of want, it has always been a necessity that I experience that in my lifetime. This is who I am, not what I hope to do.  It feels like it's been a part of me since I can remember and I must continue this journey until I find my way there. Even though I have never been there, the desire  to be there would best be described as the feeling of going home. Revisiting the place you grew up and being in the environment that helped to shape and define the person you are today.

So my advice to those who are struggling with having a desire in your heart and no clear way of getting there or idea of how to see it through, never stop listening to that voice. Following a dream that radiates throughout your soul is how you find who you really are and what you truly are capable of. No matter how difficult it may be, there is a reason it is there and the journey of going after it is when we find ourselves. Don't let anyone or anything tempt you away from it or tell you it can't be done.. even if that someone happens to be you. I feel there will be peace found when we all follow that voice and embrace the experiences that coincide the journey.. 

So I will continue my journey in hopes I find my way home and my wish is that you find yours too!

I am alive!

Wow it is hard to believe it is November! I hope that everyone is enjoying the changing of the seasons.. that is if you actually have changes in the season. Here in Texas it seems like it has gone from really hot to just mostly hot and sometimes it gets cool in the mornings. But we did experience some semi-fall weather recently and I ran to go find my winter gear because now I'm a baby when it comes to the "cold. I realized I haven't really experienced anything really cold in about 2 years since I spent last winter in the desert.

Lets see where do I start with what all that has happened since I last blogged..pheww. Well to make a loong story short. I started my training up again in late July, ended a relationship of 3 years, moved to South Austin, and was a genie with Loree Smith for Halloween. So that's the short of it. It's clear that the end of summer and beginning of fall has been a very difficult time for me emotionally and physically, but it has been an incredible time for self growth and discovery. I'm reminded of the process of forging steel. It is stressed and heated and beaten to shape it which results in a stronger piece for a specific purpose. I feel I've been being forged for some time now and I am finally on the up and up. I am now so much stronger in my shoes than I ever thought possible. My expectations for myself as an athlete and as a person are at levels that exceed what I used to dream. It is a very exciting time for me even though I am still pushing through some difficult things, I can see that everything that has happened is for a reason and has taught me something about myself. They are invaluable lessons that I know give me an edge in competition as well as everyday life.

In other news, Gus placed 4th at a weiner race in late September. So close to getting a trophy. I was soooo sad(probably inappropriately sad) we didn't get to take home a trophy, but they had a weiner dog on the top. ONE DAY I WILL HAVE ONE!!and by me of course I mean Gus.... I am also going to start work on a video collection of my fall training to give everyone out there an insight into my world. I hope to have it done by the holidays.. and lets remember that the key word in this statement is... hope ;o)


Hope everyone has safe travels during this Thanksgiving as well as a enjoyable and relaxing time! I definitely have much to be thankful for this year and am so very excited to spend time with my family.

House hunting

Well, for the past 2 weeks I've been searching for my own place. Now you might think I'm getting all fancy on you by this statement, but really I'm looking for nicest, terrible apartment I can afford. So far things are not looking good. If the rent is decent, by the time you add in the deposits and fees, it's an outrageous up front cost. Many places want me to give them $300 pet deposit and a $150 pet fee... uhg.. I did recently find a room someone was renting. They were looking for a 22-34 year old female in a clothes optional living environment. I felt this would not be an appropriate place to raise Gus.. that and the fact I like to keep clothes on this bod.

So for now I continue on, continually amazed at the weirdo's you can find on craigslist and hoping to find a good deal in a decent location where clothing is not optional. Maybe I have high standards and expect too much..

Here is a random picture I thought I'd share that makes me laugh...

 This is Gus "hiding" from me.. I guess he's not quite as small as he thinks he is..or as small as he was suppose to be. oh well

 

In other news, I am back to training. I am excited for the near future. We've been working on a revolutionary concept.... please brace yourself for this folks... actually using my legs to throw the ball!!! Wowzers I know... yea something that most really successful people do. It's time I get in on that train and throw reallly far! I'm also happy with where my strength numbers are right now and it is exciting to me as to where I can get them over the fall.

I hope everyone is having a good summer!

You wants em, I've gots em.. T-SHIRTS!!

Well, I had my friend, Billy, make me some shirts for Nationals. My goal was to get some printed and throw them in the crowd in Des Moines. Track and field fans rarely, if ever, get rewarded for being there and encouraging all the athletes so I wanted to change this. Plus, I thought it would be a great opportunity to introduce myself and invite people to join me on the road to 2012! It was so awesome to have people cheer and shouting for me to throw them a shirt of ME! I had some other people interested in the shirts so I thought I'd post pictures. They are $10. If you would like one, just email me here

Front of shirt.. and yes that is ME on the front!!

Back of shirt

Disclaimer: I already have plans in the works for a more deluxe and visually appealing t shirt specifically geared for 2012.. but on second thought how much visually appealing does it get than my silhouette on the front of a shirt?!?!? I'm not sure when they will be available, if you simple can not wait or want both shirts, please contact me and I will get you properly fitted for your very own Abby Ruston apparel! 

The throw that wasn't

Well, there is so much I feel about Saturday and I find the words just don't seem to do is justice. I guess maybe to go back a bit and give a little more history would help paint a better picture of how I feel. As many of you probably know I completely changed training programs after indoors and went back to a program that I knew worked for me and my body. My first day back with James was March 15. I could tell by his disbelief in where I was physically and technically that it was going to take everything I had to pull this season around. I remember struggling and feeling so lost the first month or so. I could barely throw 15m with a 4k ball. All I kept hearing in my head was "what happened to me, how did it get this bad???" I was angry, hurt, scared, frustrated, but ultimately determined to turn it around. I knew if James had resurrected me and my throw once, he could and would do it again.

The second month showed signs of progress and moments of hope. Just enough moments of hope to keep be going but fleeting enough to keep me pushing harder. My distances began to increase and physically I began to feel explosive and athletic. Different things work for different people, but the simplicity and ingenuity of this program feels so perfect for complimenting both my strengths and weaknesses. I could feel the pressure of USA's looming on the back burner in my mind and knew that I had to continue to push. I knew that each day was critical and delicate to get me to where I know I was born to be. Having a 2 season long best at Tucson really got me fired up that great things could happen at USA's especially for how off I was from what I wanted to technically when I threw that 17m throw.

The 3rd month was a beautiful crescendo for me. FINALLY, after two years of fighting and working I was getting back to feelings in the ring and distances that I was at before I got hurt. I felt myself and that amazing liberation that comes from being in a throw. That flow that feels so effortless yet powerful and dynamic. I was in the right place doing the right things and it was just a matter of time and work before great things would/will happen.

Unfortunately, due to the major lack of repetitions a thrower needs to be able to hit a big throw at a big meet I was simply a casualty on Saturday. I mistimed my warm ups and started to technically fall apart throughout the meet. Although I showed moments in warm ups that it was going to be a good day, I was not able to hang on to it. It was the first time in several years that I had an almost meter better warm up throw than I did in actually competition. I think what hurt the most was that usually I can find something from somewhere inside and make it happen. Put one good throw together, but this time I fell short. I fully understand that I simply got too excited and had too much adrenaline and hadn't had the experience throughout the season to learn how to handle it. But MAN does this give me such a terrible taste in my mouth and in my soul. I think this is where we find ourselves. In the melting points, the ugly truths. This is what either breaks a person or makes a person. It's deciding how to handle and proceed with let downs like this. It's how a person chooses to respond and rise from it. To fully give every part of my life for 3 months and walk away with that distance associated with my names is very hard for me. Not to mention everything else I had gone through the first part of the season. James told me that in the long run this meet doesn't matter and that we are on to great things again and that to remember our ultimate goals. I still think it's funny how much a coach's words can do to help a situation and really remind of you the important things. I feel very clear and focused of what I want to and will do in the next 2-4 years of my career. I feel that for the first time I am ready mind, body and spirit.Watch out world because here I come!

Here I am at USA's with a T-shirt provided by the BEST cupcake 

place on the planet. HeyCupcake
The t-shirt reads
"CUPCAKES
The breakfast of Champions"