The last two years of my life have been amazing. Most times people would use that word to describe a time of their life when they are on top of the world and can’t seem to lose. A time filled with happiness and success. My last two years, however, have been nothing like that. They have been filled with disappointment, self doubt, embarrassment, and near self destruction. Even I find it funny that I would use that word, but I suppose I find a certain sense of beauty in the difficult road I’ve traveled.
It’s what I’ve learned from all the moments of self doubt that I find so purely beautiful. In the times I wanted to walk away from everything I’ve spent so much of my life pushing for. The frustration running so deep that I was scared I would never be able to climb out. The overwhelming hopeless feeling that I would never be able to get myself in order that felt like it had a permanent residence in my chest. But something kept be going. Sometimes I feel I never had a choice in terms of pursing my dream for the Olympics. There is something that pulls deep, deep inside me and keeps me going no matter how bad it gets. It has kept my dream alive even in my weakest hour. I always believed that I could still find a way to make it happen and that belief is grower stronger again for the first time in a long while. I now have even higher levels of expectations and goals. Not just to make teams, but to bring back medals to my country!
I feel a sense of invisibility. I feel battered and beaten, but I’m still on my feet and ready to give em hell. The sense of empowerment is hard to describe. I think that once you’ve hit the bottom, especially when it’s more than once, you aren’t as scared of all the 'what if’s' because you know that worst case scenario you are strong enough to fight back. And truth be told, things can always be worse. You find out what you are made of, what you can take, what you will take, and how much something really means to you. I feel that I’ve been stuck in the mud and this process has helped sift me out. Now what remains is my passion, my determination, and my clear vision. Nothing else really matters when it comes to self.
I’ve also found who really matters to me, those that stood by me when I was at some low moments of my life, those special people who have and will always believe in me. They mean the world to me. Then there are the others who I thought believed and supported me. Although I could feel the cold as they turned their backs and I lost their belief, it was those moments that I had to rely on myself and my own inner belief. Even though I had others around, I relied on myself for the first time and knew that I was able. I believe that is what has gotten me to this moment.
I recently realized that I needed to let go. I needed to let go of all the regret and stop the daydreaming of what if 2008 had ended differently. I’m finding it easier to say than do. Though I do describe this process as beautiful, it has been incredibly painful. It has been hard to let it go, but I feel that even the realization for the need for change has helped lead me to let it go. For the first time, I feel that I am on to a new chapter in my life. I feel that the bad times are behind me and I am excited to face this new chapter in training and in life. Recently I have found myself repeated this mantra to myself “Do not let fear dictate” meaning that no matter what happens the rest of my career and life, I will not allow fear take the lead, I will take the reigns and do what is in my heart. If I'm going for a heavy lift or need a big throw or just belief in myself, I will give everything I have and not be distracted by that little voice in my head asking if I can really do it. I may fall flat on my face or I may succeed, but either way I will have the pride in myself for going after it full force. Every time I say it, I can feel my confidence and determination grow. I will be in charge and will face fear head on. I will not be scared of failing, rather excited for the opportunity at hand. Someone once said that fear is present when the opportunity for something great is at stake. I see that there are two choices you can make. Focus on the fear and let it crush you or to use the fear to propel you to greatness. I choose to take my chance at the latter.
Happy training
