Going Home

It seems everyone has their own special journey in life. No one is on the same path. You may be similar, but everyone has a unique path that they have traveled and will continue to travel. I think that individuality it what makes the journey so exciting and at times, so scary. It was about 9 months ago that I first decided that moving to Arizona was the right choice for me. I was at a crossroads with my throwing. The devastation with how the 2008 season ended left me so empty. I felt that I had everything I needed and was exactly where I needed to be a month before the trials. One day as I was throwing, I subluxed my left shoulder. I'm still not sure how that is even possible, but it happened and I had to take a week off. I resumed training and things were again looking so good that it seemed I would really have to have a terrible day to not make the team. I don't' say that in some ego driven delirium, but in the fact I had thrown 60 in practice and usually added at least half a meter in meets. Exactly one week from the day I would throw at the trails I was walking down stairs outside and there was a rock I didn't' see. Needless to say I caught my foot on it and really hurt my left foot. I displaced a bone and torn some stuff in there.  Walking was hard and there was pain with every step. I convinced myself that I was ok and could still do it anyway. In fact, I didn't go to a doctor or want anyone to x-ray it because I did not want to hear that anything was wrong.. even though it was pretttyyyy obvious. They taped my foot so much for the trials that it was basically a soft cast. I gave every, single thing I had in that meet and it wasn't enough. I still  remember sitting on a bench after my final throw.  A feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach sank deeper and deeper. Although I wanted to cry my eyes out, I was too frozen to do so. I was so completely disappointed in myself and couldn't quite believe that what had happen was real. I felt so worthless. The feeling took me much longer than I originally thought to completely shake myself free of. It followed me throughout the 2009 season. Even thought I had physically healed, mentally I was in no man's land. I realized that I needed to make a choice. I could be done with throwing and regret being so close to a dream without ever having it realized or I could move 1000 miles away and take a chance.

A chance I did take! I was right. Arizona was exactly what I needed. I was able to get away from the funk and doubt in my head. I was able to remember why I love training and throwing so much. The new environment slowly, but surely brought me back to the place inside where I truly believe in myself. The addition of being able to train with Loree Smith really took my self belief to a new level. She has an incredible drive. Such a competitive and eager to learn spirit. It is hard not to catch that same mentality and go with it. The way we challenged each other so much everyday. It was such a good thing for me. In the past, I was too afraid to constantly challenge people because I was afraid of failing. So I held back and that hesitation fostered a great deal of self doubt. Something in my head always told me that I was never born with enough talent to be at the top in the world. Something always told me I wasn't good enough. Something inside always held me back in terms of what I am ultimately capable of. Training with her and being able to get to know her and her drive changed that. It really did change me. Although she has been born with such incredible physical abilities and is the most talented female athlete I have ever seen, she ultimately taught me that I do have talent and I was born with what it takes to rise to the top. What I lack in height, I can make up for in power and speed. After all, it is only a 4kg ball(8.8lbs) that I throw. Anything else I lack I can make up for in pure determination and superior, efficient training. For the first time in my life, my expectations and possibilities for myself are not restrained. I not only want to make Olympic teams, I want to bring back shiny things from them! I am aiming for the top because if others can do it so will I... but better of course!

Last Thursday, I felt something strike a chord inside of me. It was a very powerful and clear moment. Although I'm not sure many will understand or appreciate it, I decided that things were not quite working out for me in Arizona anymore. I needed to go home and continue my training with James Parman. I talked with many people before taking any action my friends, family, and of course training partner, Loree. They all supported me and told me that I needed to do what was best for me and what was going to make me happy. I knew that what I was feeling was right. I then talked to John. He was very understanding of everything and supported my decision. Financially, it will cost be the same if I would have stayed till the end of the year or go home now due to the contract I signed with him. I booked a flight for one of my best friends to come out and drive back with me. She flew in Monday night. I picked her up from the airport and we hit the road. We drove into Deming, New Mexico about 2 am. Slept and got up at 6 am for the final day. When we finally made it we calculated that in the past 24 hours we had driven for 20! Of course we were both proud!
 
So I am back home in Austin, Texas. Although I will miss training in Arizona and miss my training partner Loree, I am very excited about training back home and incorporated all the good things I learned into my training. I will start it up again on Monday and keep you all updated! Because I know you are all dying to know every detail and status about my life!

It has been a long and incredibly enlightening journey so far and I'm sure will only get more interesting with time! I thank you all so much for the support. The belief that you show me by even reading this and being interested in my throwing has kept me going when throwing seemed so dim. So I thank each and everyone of you and I look forward to this new chapter with lots of FAR THROWS!